Over the years I’ve come up with a few quickies. For this column I want to share some with you in hopes that you’ll steal something. Perhaps not because I am like a dog howling at the moon; there has no noticeable effect on the moon. It’s that sort of thing.
• For example, you will never get a sharp cut with a dull blade.
• Never fish without bait. It’s a waste of time and the fish will laugh at you.
• If tigers obeyed the Golden Rule, they would starve to death.
• I hate mosquitoes but am thankful they don’t grow to the size of buzzards.
• As a child I memorized selected Bible verses, learned to dissect a frog and milk a cow. I rarely use any of those skills any more.
• If you raise an alligator with love and kindness from the day it is hatched, when it grows up it will eat you.
• In a previous life I was a roach, then someone stepped on me and I returned as a TV anchorman.
• Two flies entered my house. I killed them both. Had they been hummingbirds there would have been a public outcry.
• God made ticks because he was bored and had some material left over.
• Beware of any wolf that wears polyester.
• I like it when smart people agree with me but it makes me suspicious of them.
• It does little good to water dead flowers.
• Free advice is usually worth the price.
• The lint in your dryer filter proves your clothes are disappearing.
• The best hitters in baseball fail 70 percent of the time.
• Sandpaper is rough stuff.
• Atheists, like religious folk, spend most of their time talking to each other.
• Never drill unnecessary holes.
• The teacher of the year makes no more money than the lousy teacher of the year.
• Just because nobody understands your work doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• It’s 97 degrees and some workers go outside to smoke. Smoking must be cool.
• Few things are more useless than the fine print on a television commercial.
• In basketball the girls make most of their shots. The boys just like to shoot.
• If you have a degree in art history or philosophy, Hardee’s is hiring.
• A good mirror never lies.
• Fundamentalism always will attract a vocal minority.
• DMV asked me if I wanted to be a donor. Yes, I said, but not yet.
• VDOT goes to a lot of trouble to erect a sign that says Bump. Why doesn’t it just fix the damn bump?
• Praying for rain in a desert is rarely productive.
• Most of us have little knowledge and are eager to share it.
• A conclusion is a place where you stop thinking.
• Our obsession with other people’s sins drives the news.
• Fractions are numbers that aren’t what they used to be.
• Men are not normally treated for sex addiction until they get caught by their wives.
• Big dump truck in front of me with a warning sign on the back: Don’t Push. Who the hell pushes a dump truck?
I’m out of ideas this week. Actually I’m out of Style. This is my last column. S
Gene Cox is an author and inventor who retired from a 35-year career as a television anchor in Richmond. Connect with him at letters@styleweekly.com, or on Twitter at genecoxrva.
