Post-rapture edition.

+6 And the heathens descended en masse upon a previously appointed place in the woods, indulging their most worldly desires in a rite of decadence, debauchery and sloth. What followed was the most wretched of Strawberry Hill hangovers.

0 At a ceremony for graduates of Virginia Commonwealth University, Gov. Bob McDonnell is given an honorary doctorate. The faithful plead for him to use the advanced degree to expand upon his thesis from Regent University, protecting us all from fornicators.

-4 The rapture occurs not. And in the days that followed, there was much gnashing of teeth, finger-pointing, obfuscating, weeping and disillusionment. And so begins another Richmond City Council meeting.

+3 City fathers and their partners of means announce the launch of a riverside fireworks celebration — to be held on the third day of the seventh month. The date is chosen after specialists in ancient mathematics disclose an error in their previous calculations to determine the true Independence Day.

+2 Scores of disheartened believers turn to Gene Cox, who emerges as a new prophet with his book, “Six Pigs in a Tub,” a bold prediction that poor grammar will signal the end of the world. Welcome to the Apostrophe Apocalypse.