Like a cast-iron beach ball, like an ice cream cone with two scoops of lead, like a 60-pound sunburn, summer has dropped, hard and heavy.

Oh, some people will tell you that all this global warming is bad for the planet, but those people have no deep-tan aspirations — they just want to wallow in “autumn.” Or as we call it, the Season of Turtlenecks.

But summer’s getting longer, man! It’s claiming more of the year in its sun-baked fist, and that means more time for barbecues and swimsuits and cool drinks and buff friends and good music. So you might as well be ready.

This guide will help. It’ll tell you how to have the best time, how to be strong and survive and not whine and get all turtlenecky come September.

Summer’s here to stay, kids, and you need to decide which side of the tan line you’re on.

— Brandon Reynolds