Punch Drunk 

History's Most Regrettable Tweets


You may have heard the story recently about the lovely teenage girl known on Twitter as @Cellla_, who henceforth in this column shall be known as Cella.

Young Cella landed a job at a pizza parlor. As many of us know, joining the work force, bolstering the economy and learning to value the toil that comes with the procurement of a paycheck is an important part of pre-adulthood. Cella was about to embark on a journey, which while long, arduous and soul-crushing, is the path most of us must take.

But Cella wasn’t feeling too enthusiastic about starting her job at Jet’s Pizza in Mansfield, Texas. The night before her first day, she decided to Tweet, “Eww I start this f--- a-- job tomorrow,” followed by seven thumbs-down icons.

The kind of revulsion we’ve all felt, no doubt.

Unfortunately for Cella, one of her soon-to-be co-workers saw this tweet and informed the manager of the pizza parlor — a one Mr. Robert Waple. His response, on Twitter of course, was nothing short of perfect: “And … no you don’t start that FA job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!”

Well played, Mr. Waple, with whom the Internet (mostly) sided as this exchange became an instant hit online. His message was retweeted 3,800 times and received more than 4,200 favorites before he took it down.

As Cella had to find out, you can’t post anything even slightly inflammatory or self-incriminating on social media and expect to not get called out or caught.

I have learned this many times over.

You see, the world is full of f--- a-- jobs and f--- a-- people and f--- a-- situations. And that will not change, although the world itself has changed, even from when I was in college in the early 2000s (and I thank the stars that Facebook and Twitter weren’t around then).

But what if they had been? What if Twitter had always been around? Can you imagine some of the gaffes? Here are some of history’s more regrettable tweets:

Troy: Dope horse! Classy move on the Greek’s part.

Brutus: What bad could come of this? #FeelingStabby

Sarah Good: OK guys, yeah, I’m a witch. I’ve been casting spells on you. You got me! #Idiots.

King Louis XVI: Let the haters hate — meanwhile I’m keepin’ my head on straight. #PictureMeRollin

Lord Cornwallis: Red coat game on fleek!

Alexander Hamilton: Burr a basic bitch. #rapscallion

Robert E. Lee: Sending Pickett and the boys in HARD tomorrow. #Beastmode

Custer: Little do they know, a General about to go Big (horn).

George Donner: I know a great shortcut. See you guys in Cali!

Stalin: The homie @MeinKampf4Life is a stand-up dood. Feeling good about this pact. #Trust

Harper Lee in 1960: First of many!

Lee Iacocca: This new Ford hatchback model will be the hot fire!

Quaker Oats Co.: Just snapped up Snapple. #ProfitJuice

Mayor Doug Wilder: Makin’ late night moves! #RichmondFoolBoard

You see Cella, you aren’t the only one. Even great historical figures make the occasional mistake. Don’t get discouraged though. Stay belligerent.

I say continue to tell the world of its f-- a-- -ness. I say, respect no one. Your elders, society, authority, pizza parlors — all are nothing but a bunch of f--- a--es. As soon as you kids realize that experience is just another word for old (and f--- a--), you will succeed in life.

Don’t let some manager of a f--- a-- pizza parlor diss you on the Internet, either. That sort of f--- a--ery should never be tolerated!

Cella, you are a snapshot of America’s future and I think that’s just great. I say we all go down to the arcade and smoke the pot, what do you say?

But seriously, now I feel old and crotchety. I feel like a first-class f--- a--. I guess I’m just not ready for a world in which you can get deservedly fired over Twitter from a job you never even technically had, and from that, become an Internet celebrity.

Perhaps we’ve reached the pinnacle of the overshare epoch? I hope so. I think I’m finally ready to shut up.

Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.




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