Punch Drunk 

Jack's Cookie Capitalism


Last week in San Francisco there was some controversy over an industrious young lady and her plan to sell Girl Scout cookies on the sidewalk in front of a medical marijuana dispensary. Danielle Lei, the enterprising Scout in question, managed to sell 117 boxes, her entire stash, in just less than two hours. That's nearly a box a minute. If you were wondering, medical marijuana is legal in California but users must be at least 18. Danielle is only 13.

Since this do-si-do decimation, people have congratulated Danielle and her parents for their entrepreneurial spirit and the sheer genius of the plan. But expectedly, some peanut-butter-pattie-party-poopers haven't been high on the idea of Girl Scouts being anywhere near drugs — legal or not. The Colorado Girl Scouts even Tweeted that they don't allow their girls to peddle the sweets in front of marijuana shops, even though marijuana is legal and its usage ubiquitous in that state. Why be such Samoa-stick-in-the-muds?

Meh? Does that play? Sure, why not.

I understand both sides. I get it. Drugs aren't necessarily bad, but drugs mixed with kids, especially innocent little princesses, are.

God forbid, if the few deformed, probably hunchbacked, three-eyed sperm I've left miraculously defy the odds and fertilize an egg, which then produces a girl, I wouldn't want her near drugs until she was old enough to make informed decisions. Well, realistically I'd just let her mother make those decisions because I'd probably be avoiding the law under an alias in South America, working as some sort of gringo sex-tourism guide by then. But I trust her mother would agree with me on this.

And it isn't as though, when younger, we didn't all sneak down to the railroad tracks that ran near our childhood apartment complexes or to the woods behind our friend's house or to our bedroom closet to dabble in "the green arts" from time to time. That's a rite of passage in Chesterfield County.

Teens and younger are trying drugs and parents just need to deal. Especially because it'll become even more accepted and prevalent as the country becomes more liberal.

And it isn't as if this little girl on the sidewalk in San Francisco was dealing with shiv-wielding crackheads or volatile drunks. I mean, this wasn't Oakland. She was selling cookies to people who smoke weed. In my experience, 95 percent of the time, they are like docile Hindu cows. Sure they have a greasy sheen and might smell a little funky, and OK, rarely would you want to actually hang out with them in public, but these are normal people who just want some damn cookies.

Plus, lil' Danielle made a killing off of them, of which approximately 75 percent will go directly to the Girl Scout council, which apparently does a lot of good things, maybe. Wait, where does all that thin mint go? According to vague statements on the Girl Scouts of the USA website, the money is used to "enhance each girl's Girl Scout experience."

Well, whatever.

If for one second you think the Girl Scouts aren't some powerful corporation preying on the minds of weak-willed consumers, then you're sadly mistaken. It's nothing but a huge, naked money grab covered up by pretty, brilliantly green sashes.

Maybe that's a bit of hyperbole. But in this world, money talks, and nonsales-motivated, 13-year-old, below-average earners walk.

And I probably just cursed myself into a lifetime of fathering women. Again, South America. Si, yo soy Juan Pablo. La casa de putas y el alcohol es de esta manera. ¡Vamos amigo!

Moving on.

Perhaps the Richmond Girl Scouts should take a hint. Of course weed isn't legal in Virginia and may never be — not that it stops anyone from partaking or makes it even remotely difficult to obtain. So in lieu of marijuana shops, the young women can get creative:

Step 1: Hop in minivans and head to Cary Street Cafe, Kulture, Monroe Park or pretty much anywhere on the Virginia Commonwealth University campus.

Step 2: Set up a table full of delicious Girl Scout cookies.

Step 3: PROFIT.

Trust me, this plan can't fail.

C'mon ladies, start thinking outside of the box of delicious trefoils. The Girl Scouts of the USA, aka the Iron Green Sash, won't ever be able to obtain enriched uranium and wield totalitarian power with you gals selling a few boxes of lemonades to daddy's work buddies!


Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of "Mornings with Melissa and Jack" on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.


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