Punch Drunk 

Jack makes a Christmas list.


I’m not a rich man. In fact there are probably some Occupy Richmond protesters with a much higher net worth than me. Does that mean I’ll willingly live and poop in public places with deranged hobos who probably couldn’t point out Wall Street on a map? No, it doesn’t. Where am I going here? Oh right, the list. So instead of buying costly gifts for my shady associates, I plan to re-gift my personal belongings in an effort to show my love and appreciation for the people in Richmond who make me smile — and a few that make me want to join the Occupy movement and chant random slogans with other misguided youth.

You see, I’m all about giving back.

It’s not all about you, it’s about us. Now read me.

Jack’s Gift To-Do List:

• Wash and fold prized Soviet-era sickle and hammer T-shirt — ship to Gov. Bob McDonnell. It’ll match perfectly with his prize pig — the hyper-state-controlled Virginia Alcoholic Beverage Control. His song-and-dance attempt at privatization (and promise to “re-pursue the issue at a later date”) was cute, and it also has yet to meet a vote on the House or Senate floors, much less get out of committee. It reminds me of a time when one man wielded a veritable dictatorship over his much-maligned subjects all while “embracing capitalization.” That time was last week. Putin SMASH!

• On that note, pack up the medieval torture rack that I got on eBay last year and ship it to the Virginia ABC’s main offices over by The Diamond. Because arcane and outdated laws deserve a punishment that’s as equally antiquated and bizarre.

• Also on that note, send a few decent button-down shirts to the Virginia secret police, I mean, umm, the Virginia ABC enforcement agents. C’mon guys, wearing loud athletic jerseys out at the bars and standing out like City Councilman Charles Samuels at a death-metal show is no way to entrap people! A proper entrapment involves cunning and stealth. Neither of which you have. Perhaps have Bobby McD. bring this up with Vladimir the next time they meet up for vodka and caviar at Pravda.

• Send a few of my louder neckties to Richmond Free Press Publisher Ray Boone. Because he needs more attention. Clearly I know that feeling, and I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with befriending a bunch of unemployed hippies in an effort to needle Mayor Dwight Jones or increase readership in one’s newspaper. You keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Boone.

• Remember to call United and assign all of my frequent-flyer miles to Ken Cuccinelli and Eric Cantor. We get it fellas, you have national political aspirations and our commonwealth is a minor stepping-stone to stardom. That’s cool. So here, hit the bricks. Rake some muck and be cringe-inducing with your blatant personal advancement schemes somewhere else.

• Dig through the closest to find my 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. Send to Juan Conde at 8 News. Because Juan’s the shit and he deserves a gift of such an incredibly awesome magnitude. Juan — keep it mint, baby.

• Say Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s name in this column. Hope he notices. Joey, we could so be friends. Please email me. I own a Tegan and Sara CD and I know all the local indie-owned coffee shops. Oh, the fun we would have!

• Give Style Weekly Editor in Chief Jason Roop my old bullhorn. Because people still haven’t heard that a movie called Lincoln is filming in Richmond and that Jason is an extra in the production. Help him attain a fraction of the level of fame and popularity that he long ago achieved in his own mind.

• Consider giving morning-radio-show cohort Melissa Chase my entire collection of Third Eye Blind CDs. Ultimately decide against it. Because ginger kids are inherently evil and don’t deserve gifts — especially the gift of rock deity Stephan Jenkins and the band that is 3EB.

If anyone wants to send this columnist a gift, he requests cash, mini-bottles of Rumple Minze and that badass, white-satin scorpion jacket that Ryan Gosling wore in “Drive.” This columnist is convinced that he can pull off that look.

Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback can be heard on “River Mornings with Melissa and Jack” weekdays from 6-9 on 103.7 The River. On Twitter @Jackgoesforth and by email at bartender@styleweekly.com.


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