Punch Drunk 

This week: You say you want a resolution?


New Year's resolutions are for suckers. Inevitably our resolve weakens and most of our grand ideas are forgotten by February. A lucky and determined few will manage to quit smoking, lose weight and drink less, but most of us are too lazy. I'd love for people to call my abdominal muscles the Situation in 2010 because of how cut they are, but unfortunately they'll continue to be referred to as the Pudding Bowl. With these abs, I'd never get laid in New Jersey.

Let's face it, an attempt at betterment is generally an exercise in futility. That's why I'm going to help others this year by sitting in judgment and handing out realistic resolutions so they may prosper in the new decade:

Jack's New Year's Resolutions (For Richmonders in Need):

Sam Moore: Resolve to change nothing. You run a fine strip club and it should remain the first thing that people see when they get off Interstate 95 into Richmond. OK fine, maybe checking these girl's IDs before inviting them upstairs is something we could work on, but I'm not necessarily sold on that idea, either.

Richmond SPCA Chief Executive Robin Starr: Start a new campaign for the SPCA called Crack a Window for Doggies. Let the world learn from your unfortunate and ironic mistake. May Louie R.I.P.

Downtown Short Pump: Build more restaurants, more strip malls, more everything! Suburban sprawl baby! There has to be room for another 40 or so corporate chain eateries somewhere in Hell.

Richmond's new baseball team, the Flying Squirrels: Resolve to put butts in the seats at any cost. My suggestions: Nickel beer night (every night). Serve real squirrels at concessions: grilled, fried, raw, squirrel on a stick. And the always fun Squirrel Hunt Saturdays: BB guns in the bleachers + squirrels on the field = family fun.

Medal of Honor Winner and Freedom Advocate, Col. Van Barfoot: Just kick it with the ladies in 2010, maybe even storm the beach at Club Med. Relax, homie. You've already done more than enough and we thank you.

Everyone else: No more drinking and driving in 2010. It's not that I care about you perishing in a blazing inferno of metal and gasoline, I just rather you didn't kill anyone else in a blazing inferno of metal and gasoline.

Me: Of course telling other people not to drink and drive is sort of the pot calling the kettle black, so maybe I do need to make a resolution for myself after all. I resolve to visit the Jersey Shore. I also resolve to fist pump more when an awesome song comes on. This is how the Pudding Bowl will roll in 2010. Happy New Year.

Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback consumes and slings drinks at a number of local establishments. He also writes a surly blog at www.jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Find him on Twitter @jackgoesforth. Have a question or comment for the bartender? E-mail: bartender@styleweekly.com.


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