My Inner Gay 

This week: Jack professes his love for gay bars.

click to enlarge punchdrunk_200_6.jpg

I love going to gay bars.

There, I said it. It's out there now. I won't closet my deep, dark secret anymore.

It's the truth. I jump at any chance to escort a group of girls to Babes. My face beams with excitement upon hearing about a burlesque show at Godfreys. My loins quiver every time I walk into Fieldens. OK, you can scratch the “loins quivering” thing, but the rest is true.

It turns out that there's an entire subset of us straight men who enjoy gay bars. Most of us tend to dress with a bit more style, and lean toward a more metro hair coif. You will rarely see a garish orange U.Va. hat, Ed Hardy idiocy or salmon-colored anything inside of a gay bar.

I'm not sure what attracts me to these places. Am I secretly gay? I doubt it.

Do I like getting hit on by men? Well, truthfully, I like getting hit on by anyone and that's a list that includes gay men. It also includes grandmas, paraplegics, carnies and mammals. Do I like receiving a lot of undue attention? Yes. I'm a whore. Gay bars treat me well in this respect.

There are numerous reasons why I will continue to patronize Richmond's gay bars, but the main one is this: Gay people are fun, they're free, they‘re overwhelmingly nice. Straight people, on the other hand, are not. Straight people are mostly bitter, have narrow world views and like shitty music. Take me for instance.

If I had any desire whatsoever to penetrate or be penetrated by another man, you would probably never see me in a straight bar again. Unfortunately for Richmond's surprisingly large gay community, I prefer to penetrate the ladies, thus necessitating the large amount of time I spend in Shockoe Slip and Fan straight bars.

Hopefully my little speech here will entice you to catch my favorite Richmond drag queen, Magnolia Jackson Pickett Burnside, at Nations. Tell him or her that Jack sent you. I'm sure that he or she would appreciate it.

Stock Up Now: Most liquor suppliers offer cool holiday giveaways when you purchase a bottle, stuff such as rocks or shot glasses. It's nice because I can do all my shopping a few days before Christmas and it only takes one stop.

Oh, and to Santa: I like Ketel One, or Jack Daniels, or Jameson, or Rumple Minze, or wine, or beer. I'm giving you a lot of leeway here.

Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback consumes and slings drinks at a number of local establishments. He also writes a surly blog at www.jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Find him on Twitter @jackgoesforth. Have a question or comment for the bartender? E-mail: bartender@styleweekly.com.


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