First Warnings 

We swiped a copy of the Instruction Manual for NBC-12’s new weather set.

click to enlarge news38_weather_manual.jpg

"The new set will give the First Warning Weather Team a more dynamic on-air presentation, better lighting, and more chances to showcase their meteorological technology." — NBC-12

"It'll be our new place to work, to live and to bring you the weather. And we are so excited." — Andrew Freiden, NBC-12 meteorologist

Congratulations on the purchase and installation of your new Dude I'm on TV Doppler-Compatible Living & Forecasting Cubicles — Now Featuring Lead-Free Paint. Our well-trained, nimble-fingered Chinese laborers (they are tiny but please do not mistake them for children, as we have already gone over this several times with the International Human Rights Council, and besides, shouldn't someone be focusing on the shocking suicide rate at the iPad factory next door and get out of our hair already?) have spent the last decade in a spacious warehouse, eating, sleeping and working in moderately above-average conditions to provide the kind of quality you expect from the makers of the Wireless Rice-Cooker (Grains on the Go), the Plasma-Screen Tropical Fish Tank (the Zapper) and our affordable line of Factory Reconditioned Personal Massagers (Secondhand Magic Hands). With diligent maintenance and careful usage, you can expect years of service from your new weather set, or at least until contract renewal season, which can never be forecast. To keep your warranty valid and achieve the best possible performance, please follow these instructions:

1. Do not use outdoors.

2. Wipe down nightly with a soft cloth. (For details, see 2011 Gene Cox Instruction Manual.)

3. Do not use weather set for other than intended use. Unintended uses include but are not limited to: a) Running algorithms for Rachel DePompa's fantasy football leagues, b) Feral cat shelter, c) Time travel, even in jest, unless specifically instructed by a cloaked figure to "save the cheerleader, save the world," d) Off-hours karaoke performances of Journey hits, e) Ryan Nobles-hosted underground street-dice games, f) Puppet shows, g) Temporary housing for Tom Patton.

4. A special-use operational license has been granted to Kevin Jeanes on the condition that adults are present. Otherwise, careful supervision is necessary for anyone younger than 18.

5. Ignore the following: a) All leakage, b) That faint hot-dog aroma, c) Strange creaking from moving parts, d) The increasing likelihood that Ros Runner is in fact a made-up name. These are all normal. Don't ask.

6. In the unlikely case that the solar laser beams powering the Andrew Freiden Work-From-Home Hologram System lose calibration, simply unplug, wait 30 seconds, and plug back in. (The same troubleshooting technique applies with the built-in espresso machine and Curt Autry's tanning bed.) In the meantime, send emergency standby limo to Freiden's house.

7. Never, under any circumstances, use the weather set to deliver a complete weather forecast. Use great care in parceling out only tiny bits of information throughout the newscast, taking up copious amounts of time to tease the next minuscule bit of information. Any other method could disrupt the time-space continuum.

8. Ensure that the coaxial cable is securely connected with the feed from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. If this fails you must come up with your own forecast using the thermometer and barometer in the weather garden. If they are unavailable, just guess.

9. Do not share makeup. That's just gross.

10. The most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs, never feed the weather set after midnight. We're looking at you, Jim Duncan. S


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