Are you a girl? Take the test — you might be surprised. 

Be a Lady Tonight

Maybe it's because I know that clams are alive. Or maybe it's because I hate the word "moist."

Whatever the reasons, the GenderTest on the World Wide Web thinks I'm a woman.


For the record, I'm not. I'm a man.

And I'm strong enough to 'fess up to the fact that some Web page thinks I wear dresses — just so you can be entertained for a moment.

Despite the completely inaccurate label it decided to pin on me, The Super-Scientific, Remarkably Accurate GenderTest site is a hoot — lots of fun to play with. Point your browser to www.thespark.com/gendertest and see how you rank on the testosterone scale.

All you have to do is fill out a form, then the site will tell you whether you're male or female "without asking about your clothes, grooming or penis." It claims (ha!) to be 100 percent accurate, although my family doctor might be able to come up with a good argument that it wasn't so close to the truth in my case.

It doesn't take as much courage to answer the 50 questions as it does to click on "Your Gender Is Ready" at the end. "Which color makes a better T-shirt, green or orange?" (I picked orange.) "Which is better, a happy ending or a total surprise?" (I picked the latter.) "Which animal is smarter, a horse or a pig?" (I picked the pig.) What color bedroom do you prefer, white or blue? (I picked blue.)

Others range from really funny to thought-provokingly serious. Question 23 is "Does Canada suck or what?" Your only two choices are "yes" and "yeah." Question 10 is "Would you rather be deaf or blind?" Now that's one that'll make you cogitate awhile.

"Would you rather live forever or die happy? Would you rather be hungry or cold? Do you sleep on your stomach or on your back? Do you prefer to drink with a straw? Would you prefer death by falling or drowning? Are clams alive? Which word do you dislike most, 'used' or 'moist'?"

So what do all these questions have to do with whether you're male or female?

Search me. (The search will reveal, by the way, that I am male.)

For example, nowhere does the site ask whether you leave the toilet seat up or down.

Instead, you get queries like "Would you rather print or use cursive?"

At the end of the quiz — take the advice of a veteran here — you just have to grit your teeth and click on "Your Gender is Ready." What you'll see next is a bald-faced statement as to where you fall on the gender scale. There are no "maybes" on this site. "It all adds up," it told me. "You are definitely a woman." It also claimed to be 80 percent confident. That's more assurance than I get when I buy underwear.

The results page also gives a few hints about how the two genders answer the questions. Men prefer falling to death over drowning. Women really hate the word "used." And women are more likely to realize that clams are alive (90 percent) than men (87 percent).

I don't mind the word "used" at all. And I know that clams are alive. But — and this may be my downfall on the butch scale — my bedroom walls are gray, and I like orange T-shirts. A woman who works with me told me once that orange was a good color for me. Green, on the other hand, makes my butt look too big.

Who knew this would ever make a difference?

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