You are a civic association member who fought every improvement that Stuart Circle Hospital tried to make and now you are moaning that it is closing.
– Stephen D. Nolan

When you meet someone you are more interested in analyzing their last name rather than remembering their first.
– John Augst

You have a neighborhood association that won’t let you fly the American flag.
– Steve McClintock

You have a bad haircut.
– Emily Rand

You knew that Sa’ad El-Amin’s comment “bring your stuff” was not an invitation to a potluck dinner.

You thought the new Flood Wall was supposed to keep water out instead of make waves.

You’re waiting to buy a home computer with chips made in a local soon-to-be-built Motorola plant.

Your defense attorney says “he’ll fight for you” and he really means it.

Your suburban assault vehicle is too big to fit in any parking space, but you take it to Ukrop’s anyway.
– Janice and Steve Nuckolls

You only want to be in room 301 or 201 when you’re hospitalized at Stuart Circle in order to be in view of J.E.B. Stuart and Monument Avenue.
– Joan Cordle, R.N.

You wish the Clintons were on the road to Chappaquiddick instead of Chappaqua.
– Mary Helen Smith

You personally delivered brownies to the Gilmores to “temporarily” welcome them to THE neighborhood.
– Rose Harmon

Your house was on the tacky light tour for the last three Christmases, but you still buy new stuff because you’re afraid of being eliminated next year.
– Donald Olah

You hold the door open for a lady and cut her off in the parking lot.
– David Burnette

You don’t work, but still have a full-time nanny taking care of your children.
– Angela Pollard

Mayor Tim Kaine knows you by your first name.
– Linda Barrett

You think Gone With the Wind is a documentary.

You still listen to WRVA even though you hate the way they’ve sounded for the past 25 years.
– Harry Reser

You’re too polite to honk your horn.
– Merrie Ann Hunt

You were either stupid, blind or na‹ve enough to believe that Virginia Tech stood even the remotest chance of winning the Sugar Bowl.
– Dan Tabor

It’s more important to pay your CCV dues than your mortgage.
– Phil Melsa

memorable merchants

You take comfort in the fact that Miller & Rhoads is still listed in the latest telephone book (344-5411).
– Hal C. Wingo

You accessed a U.Va. term paper on Miller & Rhoads off the Internet and read it with fond memories.
– Tom Goodwin

If you do a Yahoo! search for Thalhimers or Miller & Rhoads.
– Tim Reid

You still have your Miller & Rhoads charge plate in your wallet.
– Gwen Epps

wry goods

You are vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard and you meet someone from Richmond. Your first question is “What Ukrop’s do you shop at?”
– Joyce Sawyer

You increasingly prefer to shop at those carpetbagging Hannaford’s rather than support the sanctimonious prudery of the Ukrop’s.
– Robert Leroy Atwell Jr.

You shop at Hannaford’s exclusively now, because Ukrop’s just isn’t what it used to be.
– Helen O’Boyle

Your young child refers to all grocery stores as Foodkrops.
– Bonnie Gordon

You know that the Richmond Times-Dispatch is really just a flier for Hecht’s.
– Hal C. Wingo

You’ve never been snubbed by the snobby saleswomen at Talbot’s.
– Helen Winder

You have never heard “Welcome, Kmart shoppers.”
– Sharon Young

You use Bennett Funeral Home on Cutshaw Avenue.
– Bobby Manson

in general

You secretly wish you could find a print of the Robert E. Lee floodwall mural for your home.
– Kathleen Culpepper

The only Robert E. Lee mural you’d find offensive would be one picturing Lee’s surrender to Grant.
– Jean C. Biddle

When you must make a difficult decision you always ask yourself, “What would Robert E. Lee have done?”
– Joseph Marks

You understand the difference between General Robert E. Lee in a uniform and Robert E. Lee, general, in a suit.
– Sharon Koehler

You realize that in Richmond issues are never completely black or white, but always shades of gray.

You wish Richmond had a radio station playing only Civil War music around the clock.
– Joseph Marks

and finally…

On New Year’s Eve you backed up your “Very Richmond If” entries onto floppy discs.
– Victor Gottlieb

You never grow tired of “Very Richmond” lists.
– Pat Pennington