I Was a Teenage Christian Rocker

Christian boy band parody “Altar Boyz” brings a goofy charm to Swift Creek Mill Theatre.

Confession: I was once a rhythm guitarist in a Christian rock band.

Though I was already a very vocal atheist as a teen, my devout friends asked if I would join their group after my own rock trio wasn’t good enough for our high school’s Battle of the Bands. Thus, I began my brief tenure in Truth Be Told.

At that point in the mid-2000s, Christian rock was having a moment in mainstream culture, both with overtly religious bands like DC Talk and Audio Adrenaline and those that were less obvious about it, like nu metal group P.O.D.

Harkening back to this cultural moment comes “Altar Boyz,” Gary Adler, Michael Patrick Walker and Kevin Del Aguila’s silly musical romp about a fictious Christian boy band from Ohio.

It’s the final concert of the Altar Boyz’ national “Raise the Praise” tour, and Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and Abraham have come to save our souls. Joining the Boyz onstage is the “Soul Sensor DX-12,” a device that looks like a ’70s disco and an ATM had a love child. In real time, this machine counts down the number of souls that need to be saved, serving as the show’s literal plot device.

Matthew (Derek Tatum) is the group’s leader and lead singer. Mark (Mason Blaine) is closeted and in charge of the choreography. Luke (Chandler James Pettus) is the bad boy who had to go away to a camp for a while due to “exhaustion.” Juan (Angelo Galarza) is a Latin lover character, and Abraham (Billy Heckman) is the group’s songsmith.

A sampling of the lyrics: “Girl, you make me want to wait,” “Who needs a G-E-D, I got my B-I-B-L-E” and “Jesus called me on my cellphone/No roaming charges were incurred.”

Curiously, where many Christian rock/pop groups seem to be evangelical in nature, the Altar Boyz are Catholic … aside from Abraham, who’s Jewish and the source of more than a few jokes. Each recounts their own version of how the group formed in a “Rashomon” sort of way before launching into boy band-style numbers like “The Miracle Song” and “Everybody Fits.”

Though the group’s singing isn’t exactly heavenly, that’s a little beside the point. Some of the jokes are genuinely good, others are groaners, like Abraham mishearing “You?” as “Jew?” because of Juan’s accent. Occasionally the show colors outside the lines of good taste, and the depiction of Juan, a Mexican with a Spanish accent, sometimes lists into stereotype. Does he really need to wear a serape in one scene?

Kayla Xavier and Kate Belleman’s choreography hilariously skewers the tropes of boy band moves and Joe Doran’s “flash-and-trash” lighting is appropriately showy for the proceedings. Skewering both boy bands and popular Christian music, “Altar Boyz” exerts a breezy, goofy charm that’s hard not to like.

“Altar Boyz” plays through April 20 at Swift Creek Mill Theatre, 17401 Route 1, Chesterfield, 23834. For ticket information call 748-5203 or visit swiftcreekmill.com.

 

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