“It has grown in a way we never anticipated.”
When Mickey Bakst and fellow hospitality industry vet Steve Palmer founded Ben’s Friends in Charleston, S.C. nine years ago, they were doing so to honor their late friend Ben Murray, who took his life due to addiction.
Today, there are 30 in-person meetings held weekly around the country as well as daily Zoom options that cover the U.S., Canada and parts of Europe.
There has been a Richmond group meeting, started by chefs Joe Sparatta and Jason Alley, since 2018. A femmes branch — designed for women, trans and femme-identifying people in food and beverage — of the group started online “quite some time ago,” says Bakst.
When Richmonder, industry vet and Ben’s Friend member Kailie Smith reached out about starting a femmes chapter here, Bakst says it “was just a natural [fit]. I can’t tell you how happy that makes us.”
In advance of New Year’s Eve, during the oft difficult holiday season, we caught up with Bakst and Smith to learn more about the safe space they’ve created for hospitality folks in recovery.
Style Weekly: Mickey has been sober since 1982— Kailie, tell us about your experience with the hospitality industry and sobriety.
Kailie Smith: I’ve been in Richmond since 2011, and I’ve been in the industry for 22 years. I currently work at The Jasper and Don’t Look Back. I also work at Safe Harbor, a local sexual and domestic violence agency, where I do outreach and counseling, and run the Safe Bars RVA program. I quit drinking on Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2022, and attended my first Ben’s Friends meeting the following Monday. I happened to work a shift that weekend with Joe Sparatta, one of the founders of the local chapter, and he gave me the info on where to go. I’ve been going weekly since then.
What makes Ben’s Friends different from other recovery groups?
Mickey Bakst: Besides the common denominator of our addiction, you add the common denominator of our profession. When you walk into a room with people who understand your lifestyle and understand the stresses that you feel, there is an instant familiarity that makes it a bit more comfortable. Both Steve [Palmer] and I adamantly believe in AA but we also know a lot of restaurant people walk into AA and don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. This [Ben’s Friends] gives them a place where they walk in and they may see people they know, or they’ve heard of, and they see people who do what they do. There are groups for police and for emergency room workers. There has never been one just for restaurants.
Smith: When I first got sober, I was attending meetings for a different recovery program, and I went to a meeting and shared that I had to spend the rest of the day at a brewery for a fundraiser. This lady came up to me after the meeting and said I should rethink my professional options because, in her words, “If I were on a diet, I wouldn’t hang out in a donut shop, so what are you doing hanging out at a brewery when you’re trying not to drink?” I love Ben’s Friends because no one ever says stuff like that — we acknowledge the challenges of being surrounded by drugs, alcohol and stress, and we share together how we deal with those things.
Mickey, how has Ben’s Friends grown since you and Steve [Palmer] started it in 2016? Are there any sobriety journeys that really stand out to you?
The pandemic was hell for addicts — no money, scouring around for another bottle of booze or dope. Addicts were stuck in their places. But in-person meetings also grew as a direct result of the pandemic and people joining Zoom starting March 3, 2020. When a person has been coming to meetings for a while we watch as their sobriety develops and at two years in, we ask, “Are you interested in starting a meeting?” Or someone will come to us letting us know they’re ready.
I know as a fact, without any hesitation, that there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people around the country who, without Ben’s Friends, would never have made it. There are so many stories … one guy started meeting with us when he was in his hospital room getting a liver transplant.
Kailie, what pushed you to start this in-person, femme-focused chapter? And what can folks expect who show up to their first femmes meeting?
Creating this space was important to me especially because of my work with Safe Bars, and how much it’s taught me about sexual violence in the industry particularly (though certainly not exclusively) as experienced by women and queer people. I wanted to create a femme space where people could talk freely about sensitive stuff like that and have their experiences recognized and validated. That’s not to say every meeting needs to be a heavy bummer-fest, I’m just as down to talk about lighter stuff. But the space is there for whatever people need it for.
At our first meeting [Sunday, Oct. 12] we started by setting group norms of respect and confidentiality. And then just … chatted. Talked about the ups and downs of sobriety and being a femme-identifying person in the industry. We meet every Sunday from 6-7 p.m. at Studio One Twenty. We welcome women, trans and femme-identifying people who are sober or sober-curious. You can define your sobriety yourself. Abstinent from all substances? Cool. Kicked the hard stuff but still smoke? Come on in. Still using substances but want to stop? Let’s chat. We always encourage sharing (better out than in) but you don’t have to.
Ben’s Friends Femmes meetings are held Sundays at 6 p.m. at Studio One Twenty, located at 120 W. Brookland Park Blvd. Ben’s Friends meetings are held on Mondays at 10 a.m. at Penny Lane Pub located at 421 E. Franklin St.
