But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself and, by heavens I tell you, it had gone mad.
— Joseph Conrad, “Heart of Darkness”
We witnessed our first “winter weather event” of the season last week — and the overblown anxiety, grocery-rack clearing and fear mongering that usually comes with it.
I admit, it’s exciting — the snow possibilities, the school closings, Richmonders saying how every other Richmonder but themselves can’t drive in this muck. It gives us something to talk about, and then talk about some more.
So let’s talk about it.
People say we’re in for an especially harsh winter — a coldmageddon, if you will. Whether or not those many prognosticators are correct, we probably can expect at least a few weather events and other hyperbole-laced meteorology jargon in the next few months.
What I’m getting at is, it’s time to freak the hell out, people!
First things first, milk. We need it. Because although we barely go through a gallon every two weeks when it’s actually nice out, we need to stock up for this weather. The kids won’t be able to grow without their milk, damn it!
For real, guys, I hear this next cold snap is going to be an epic collusion of polar-vortexual lust. That’s what Andrew Freiden said the other morning. Not only that, but he set Freiden’s Forthcoming Frigid Frost Index at a 7, which is bad, possibly. Maybe it’s good. I don’t even think he knows.
But seriously, do we have enough milk for this?
Next, we should probably go ahead and salt the walk. Yeah, you better salt that freakin’ walk good. Because instead of walking gingerly after it ices, I plan to try breaking Usain Bolt’s sprint records on the way to my car.
So after the milk, get at least a metric ton of salt. That should cover us for at least one snowpocalypse.
I’m not really sure. Lowe’s? Trader Joe’s? The salt store?
After that, we need batteries for the flashlight. Grab the 48-pack. Yeah, grab enough batteries to keep a Chilean mine lit up like a tacky light tour.
We also need bread. I don’t know. How many Ukrop’s White House rolls would it take to fill the crawl space? Eight? Nine thousand? Let’s go nine. How many times have I told you, the kids’ growth will be stunted without copious amounts of bread and milk.
Obviously we’re going to need water. We need that more than anything. It pains me to say it, but we need water even more than we need the milk, not that milk isn’t important. It’s extremely important. If we had a spare bedroom, I’d buy a cow, put it in there and we’d drink directly from the udder. Our children would grow into giants, their bones harder than steel.
OK, so in addition to the 192 water bottles, filling up the bathtub and putting out rain cans, let’s go ahead and begin slowly building up fatty deposits in our backs, thus growing a hump in which we can store water. Just to be on the safe side.
Other items we should probably stock up on before this indignant glacial occurrence include: snow chains, snow tires, snow gloves, snow parkas, the movie “Snow Day,” snow globes, snow cone machines, machine guns (to ward off looters), matches. …
OH MY GAWD DO WE HAVE ANY MATCHES?!
I don’t know why! To light stuff, I guess!
Listen guys, not to scare you, but this forthcoming global chilblain frost is pretty serious, because you know how these local idiots drive in the snow.
“But didn’t you grow up here, in Midlothian?”
Yeah, but I know how to drive in the snow. I went to Michigan once. You turn into the spin!
I’m not kidding y’all, this is going to the worst winter since 2012.
And you can call that snow-shaming, call that using snow terror tactics, call it what you will. Just do not call it a polar vortex.
This is much bigger than a polar vortex.
This is a glacial maelstrom.
This is a subzero hoedown.
This is a frostbitten fracas of the first order.
Also, I don’t want to overreact or do anything foolish yet, but if it comes down to it, Jimmy is the fattest and the weakest among our clan. ...
[Looks directly into wife’s eyes, his eyes blazing with intensity.]
So we eat him first.
Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at firstname.lastname@example.org. Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.