Sometimes there just isn’t anything important enough to devote an entire column to. So this week I devoted this space to multiple unimportant things. I blame Twitter. Enjoy:
Prickgate: Maybe it’s my sick obsession with sex scandals, or maybe I just like it when Richmond City Hall fumbles the football like a bloated bureaucratic Leon Lett, but the ongoing panty-groping blame game down at 900 E. Broad St. has captivated me. I told you I’m a sick man, yes?
I won’t bother recapping the brainlessness for you. Style Weekly has painstakingly covered every accusation, coverup and tax-money-wasting detail of this three-ring circus. Look through some back issues and get caught up if you like to get dumber by reading things.
Richmond City Council should contract elephants and tightrope walkers for each session. What’s more money to us taxpayers? We already pay City Council President Kathy Graziano a fat fee to be the head clown.
Fat Tire, Fat Tire, FAT TIRE! If you haven’t heard, Virginia is finally getting Fat Tire beer! Judging from Style Editor in Chief Jason Roop’s email orgasm to me about this and also by every beer aficionado on Twitter going ape shit over the news, this is a BIG DEAL! I’ll save you the trouble of trying to figure out which restaurants will carry Fat Tire beer by telling you that every restaurant in the city will be carrying Fat Tire beer. I’ve heard that God drinks only Fat Tire beer. I’ve heard that Mekong is rebranding itself: “Mekong is now for Fat Tire lovers, the rest of you beer snobs can fuck off.” Also, I once had sex with a cold pint of Fat Tire beer. It was very satisfying.
Denver Blues: On a more somber note, I received a distressing email this morning from Twitter. It appears that @MadMain, the self-proclaimed King of New Media, recently has unfollowed me. Ever since I was a young child, it’s been a personal policy that I unfollow anyone who unfollows me. I will miss constantly witnessing a grown man cry over the Internet.
Sorry, Saunders, Denver won this round. The publicity you’ve gotten from putting up a losing bid and then whining about how you lost has been impressive, though.
Here, let Daryl Hall and John Oates turn that frown upside down, buddy: “She’s gone, Oh I, Oh I’d … better learn how to face it. She’s gone, Oh I, Oh I’d … pay the devil to replace her. She’s gone — what went wrong?”
Have You Heard?! Fat Tire beer is also made — created, to use a buzzword — in Colorado. I guess they just do things better out there.
Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback contributes to Mixology magazine in Germany, tweets @jackgoesforth and blogs at jackgoesforth.blogspot.com. Email: email@example.com.