Punch Drunk: The Grifter's Guide to Getting Hired in 2016 


Looking to move up in the business world? Need a new job? Need a job? You came to the right place.

I read an article the other day called Three Ways to Land a Job You’re Not Qualified For, and as someone who’s never been qualified for any job above carwash-rag attendant, it piqued my interest.

Think about it: Is anyone ever ready for a step up the corporate ladder, or a job that’s more difficult than the one they have now? No way. You learn on the job. You improve with time. You grow. But before any of that happens, first you must get that job. So let’s take a look at what this article recommends you do.

Apply through an actual person, not a website. We all know that you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning and contracting zika — simultaneously — than finding something good on the major job amalgamation sites such as Monster or Career Builder. Instead of trying to find a needle in a stack of needles, find out who the hiring manager is and then email your résumé directly. If you can find that person’s number, call at dinner time, on a Friday night. Better yet, get their home address. Send flowers. Send candy. Send a mutilated Mr. Potato Head doll covered in ketchup. In today’s job market, you must stand out. Don’t simply be an anonymous emailer. Be the person who got arrested outside of the hiring manager’s house wearing assless chaps, the words “hire me” written on her butt cheeks. Be that person.

Adjust your résumé to highlight the skills you do have. It’s a nice way of saying, lie about stuff on your résumé, you hopelessly unqualified boob. OK, so maybe you don’t have five years of business-to-business sales experience and perhaps you’re not proficient at Microsoft Excel. Hell, the only thing you’re halfway decent at is navigating porn sites and ESPN.com. You need to learn to fudge things. Remember when you sold pot in the college dorms? That’s called a pharmaceutical sales background. That crippling addiction to porn? Observational research experience. Do you use the touch screen at Sheetz for your weekly shubz and sheetzas? Then you’re PowerPoint proficient, my man! Employers are looking for people with creativity. And trust me when I say, you can easily fake Microsoft Office skills. Been doing it for years.

Show how enthusiastic you are in your cover letter. This actually is great advice. You need to show that you’re a go-getter with upper management written all over you. But how do you go about doing that? I’ll tell you: ALL CAPS. Be louder than the other applicants. Sprinkle in a few F-bombs too. You’re SO F*CKIN’ PUMPED TO CONTINUE ADVANCING YOUR CAREER WITH MEADWESTVACO! Also, have whoever you pay to handle MS Office for you drop some clip art of a badass bald eagle in front of an American flag on the page. Employers love stuff like that. Skills can be taught, enthusiasm can’t.

A few other tips to fool employers into hiring you:

Use fake former superiors. Your best friend Jay can play the role of Peter Kroenig, your old manager at Consulting Business Solution Professionals Inc., and he would recommend you in a New York minute. “Jack doesn’t have a lazy bone in his body. He’s like a son to me.”

Use a fake college admission office person. Jay is now Sam Balleo, admissions officer at Dartmouth. “Jack graduated cum laude with a degree in business stuff. Great kid. I remember him well. Like a son to me.”

Use fake references. Jay is your childhood neighbor, José Brown. “Watched him grow up. Such a great kid. You won’t find a better candidate. He is literally my son. Don’t tell him.”

Make your résumé memorable. Write out your information and work experience on the back of one of your court summonses, or in a barely legible scrawl on a cocktail napkin. The hiring manager won’t forget that résumé. I promise.

So go on, get yourself out there and into the bushes of the hiring manager’s house. Slash the tires on her Range Rover. Set his house on fire. Show that you’ll do anything to secure a position with the company. The only thing stopping you from a better job and an even better life are most law enforcement agencies. S

Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at letters@styleweekly.com, or on Twitter at @jackgoesforth.



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