Punch Drunk: Small Talkin' About the Weather 


Can you believe this recent unseasonable weather? Yes, I realize that you feel it and are aware that it’s real, seeing as we’re both standing here in the same weather.

But can you believe it?

It hit 68 degrees two weeks ago! Six-tee eight dah-grees. In January. If that doesn’t make you want to fire up the blender and make a few frozen raspberry margaritas, then you, sir, are a cold-blooded, heartless bastard. Now get your ass over here and let me slap you on the back. This is back-slappin’ weather, damn it!

You went running in the park last week wearing shorts? Well wouldn’t you know it, I went running in the park last week — also wearing shorts! My calves felt the breeze, a warm breeze, in January! Yep, in addition to back-slappin’, this is fine calf-breeze weather, isn’t it?

Yessir, this weather really makes me want to put on some cargo shorts, get outside and bite the ass off a bear.

But you know, all of this warm winter weather probably means that when the bad stuff comes, it’s going to be bad. Like, really bad. Like, the worst winter since the Ice Age. I have no scientific evidence to back that up, but please repeat it to the next person you have this interminable chat with. Tell ’em that Jack said that it would snow 2 feet and that with the power outages, Richmond will suddenly revert to the 1700s. Start preparing your milk and bread bunker now, compadre. Hell, my wife already went out to buy us a vintage butter churner from Restoration Hardware. She’s a regular Betsy Ross, that woman.

Of course it’s a damn shame about this weather hurting retailers. Yeah, I saw a Huffington Post article talking about how seasonal cardigan sales are the lowest they’ve been in years. Didn’t read the whole article, just the title, but I imagine L.L. Bean’s taking a real duck boot to the ass.

Why did the cold weather take so long though?

“December 2015 was the warmest (by far) on record for most of the east coast due to several factors,” according to NBC-12 meteorologist Andrew Freiden. “Remember the Polar Vortex? It’s the swirling river of air that separates the frigid cold of the North Pole from us here in the Mid-Latitudes. It was very strong in December, keeping cold air locked way up North. That joined with a record strong El Niño that pumped in amazing amounts of warm, humid air. Sprinkle in some global warming and you set records for precipitation and warmth.”

Now this Freiden fellow may have a fancy degree from the University of Virginia and weather models on his side, but that snake oil doesn’t sell around these parts. And frankly, polar vortex sounds made up to me.

Also, I got news for you: El Niño is el bull crap-o. This weather is simply god punishing us for the sins of the Manitowoc County Sheriff’s Department. And don’t tell me this has to do with global warming, because that’s not a real thing. It’s just something the liberal media made up in an effort to take my guns. How about we spend less time worrying about “melting ice caps” and “rising sea levels,” and more time figuring out how authorities managed to plant Steven Avery’s blood and sweat all over Teresa Halbach’s RAV4.

But I digress. That’s a discussion for Facebook. Ugh.

The weather as small talk will never go away. As long as we’re forced to interact with co-workers and the people who work at Wawa, it will continue.

So screw it. Next person to broach the topic with me at the water cooler, which is a real thing that we have at our office where these savages actually stand around and talk, gets an earful of what I’m really thinking:

“I hope for a winter of dystopian proportions. I hope it snows 19 feet. I hope people in Quebec feel sorry for us. I hope the children are out of school so long, that learning to read becomes an optional activity. I hope we have to tunnel our way out of our houses ‘Shawshank Redemption’ style. I hope.”

That’ll teach them not to make eye contact with me!

Next, I’ll change the topic by bringing up Netflix’s “Making a Murderer” and then slowly backing away. The yokels around here could talk about that show forever, and they already have.

But anyways, while it’s still slightly warm, I’m going to crack a beer on my front porch.

[Tussles son’s hair.]

“Do you feel that January calf breeze, Jimmy? That’s the breeze of freedom.” S

Jack Lauterback also is co-host of “Mornings with Melissa and Jack” on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. Connect with him at letters@styleweekly.com, or on Twitter at jackgoesforth.



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