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My Foulest Night as a Bouncer 

Best Way to Get Banned from a Bar

Critics' Pick

click to enlarge SCOTT ELMQUIST

by Josh Taylor, head of security at Bandito's Burrito Lounge

It’s a typical Friday night — we had a line going of about 40 people. It was kind of chilly out, and one girl who was clearly already drunk comes inside and asks if she can sit on a stool while she waits. I told her that I couldn’t let her do that, and that she had to wait with everyone else outside. She pleaded, I said no again. Predictably she got upset.

So now I’m back inside watching the crowd and someone comes up who is trying to leave, and they ask me what’s going on at the front door. I turn around to see bare ass prints pressed up against the glass door with the leggings around their ankles. What I can only describe as a river of urine is coming down the sidewalk and into the parking lot directly in front of the door. This is all in front of six or seven strange dudes who had congregated near the front door, and all of the other people in line. At least two of these pervs are continuously sneaking glances.

Meanwhile there are seven to eight other people trying to leave the bar but can’t because of this girl. So she finally finishes, hikes her pants back up and nonchalantly gets back in line like nothing happened. ... I sidestep the mess and make her leave the premises.

Somehow, she manages to get back in about a half-hour later. I tell her to leave again. She plays dumb about what happened. Finally I get her to leave. On the way out, right next to the area on the sidewalk that was still moist, this girl is stomping away. Her parting shot? “And that’s why I peed on your door, asshole!”

I don’t think she’s been back.

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