+1 According to law, officials must allow at least $1 million in locally produced public art to be displayed in the city’s proposed new $116 million jail. Sheriff C.T. Woody is already working it, thanks. Stay tuned for details on the forthcoming “First Fridays Perp Walk.”
+2 Former New York Philharmonic conductor Lorin Maazel receives a key from Mayor Dwight Jones at a CenterStage performance with the Castleton Festival Orchestra. Maestro Maazel soon realizes that it is a key to the new city jail when he inadvertently makes “dancinglike gestures” as he conducts.
-2 Times-Dispatch columnist Jeff Schapiro chides Congressman Eric Cantor in print for being “an insipid pill” during the debt-ceiling crisis, and then tells PBS’ “Need to Know” that people should give Cantor “a break.” Tweedledum or Tweedledee — which one wore the bow tie?
-3 Richmond temperatures skyrocket as the nation roasts in a record-setting summer heat wave. How hot is it out there? We just saw a cop chasing a criminal and they were both walking. How hot? Satan called and he wants his weather back. You say it’s hot? We just saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog. We’ll be here all week.
0 At press time, City Council was scheduled to pass a new noise ordinance after the old one was declared vague and unconstitutional. Critics say the new version is even more confusing and allows unregulated noise in business districts. To which we say: Party at the FFV cookie factory, y’all!!
-4 It’s neighbor vs. neighbor at Canterbury Lake, where residents voted to have the U.S. Agriculture Department’s Wildlife Services program kill geese overrunning the subdivision. Some consider them a nuisance and health hazard while others say they’re just beautiful, natural inhabitants. Kind of like Jeff Davis hookers.
+1 At the 14th running of the $600,000 Virginia Derby, Air Support wins by a neck over betting favorite Banned. Not that we’re bitter, but after our scorching exacta loss of $15, a certain horse owes us a few backyard rides at our niece’s birthday party.
+7 Watching that win were more than 10,000 race fans that descended on Colonial Downs — including Hooters girls, racing royalty, fancy-hat competitors, paddock insiders, Jell-O shot takers, horse trainers with foreign accents, one Mr. Bill Bevins and yacht-rock cover band Three Sheets to the Wind. We were one mint julep away from holding a séance to summon Secretariat’s ghost.
-5 Henrico County’s own Eric Cantor, majority leader of the House, is ridiculed for grandstanding while getting nowhere in the ongoing debt-ceiling negotiations. The upshot: Next year he’ll probably be both richer and re-elected.
-4 Speaking of politics, Richmond Times-Dispatch political reporter Tyler Whitley becomes one of 20 laid off at the paper, which continues to struggle amid tough times for the media industry. Whitley was there for 50 years — before Eric Cantor was even born. Oh, for the good ol’ days.
+4 Patient First marks its 30th year of treating Richmond patients for pinkeye, strep, bronchitis and the flu. We politely declined slices of anniversary cake.
+1 Richmond International Raceway gets a new president in Dennis Bickmeier, who moves here from Michigan. He would have arrived more quickly except he kept turning left on his drive down.
+6 An estimated 40,000 people show up to the annual Hanover Tomato Festival. One again, organizers of Yuma Lettuce Days are green with envy.
+1 City Council members consider whether to give themselves retirement pay after 10 years. Heck, we support any measures that will encourage City Council members to retire.
+2 In lieu of a news item here, we'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for your gracious Google+ invitations. Can we get a few extras for our MySpace friends?
+6 Richmond celebrates its independence — going out on the town (and through police checkpoints) eating out (while paying one of the state’s highest meals taxes) and setting off fireworks (most of them illegal). Hurrah for freedom!
0 Tons of new laws go into effect at the hands of the General Assembly. The happiest among us? Lawyers.
+2 Shockoe Bottom gets an ABC store, which according to Mapquest calculations is 0.52 miles away from our downtown offices, a 1-minute drive or, by foot, 7.8 minutes, if one were walking at 4 miles per hour. Not that it matters to us or anything.
-1 The T-D reports that a small fire must be put out in a concession kitchen area at The Diamond, but all is well. Plus, this gives Nutzy a chance to hawk his roasted nuts.
+1 We’re really not sure if something huge happened over the weekend, because we went to press early for the holidays. So you know, just fill in the blank here, add some snark, drop in a risqué reference to Gene Cox and we’ll call it a day.