Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Score

Special Edition: Seven Signs of the Ukropalypse

Posted on Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 4:00 AM

1. Water in the lake at the University of Richmond, across which a college-aged Bobby Ukrop once gazed, turns into potato salad. Ducks skim across the taut layer of cellophane on top, oblivious that their days are numbered.

2. The delicious fried-chicken scent wafting from stores condenses into tears.

3. In a frightening evening at his secluded mansion, Mayor Jones dreams he is Mayor Wilder, then awakens from the nightmare to the sound of frogs and Snowflake rolls falling onto his roof. The dreadful thudding sounds signal a storm like no other.

4. No help taking groceries to your car. No help, anywhere. In the blackest of clouds, an image of Howard Stern appears, the fourth horseman, riding a white horse, breaking the seventh seal, galloping forth to begin a new world order. But he will be overcome.

5. There is not paper, nor plastic, but instead the rising of wars and rumors of wars over paper and plastic.

6. In a time of famine, Dirtwoman weeps.

7. A winter storm ravages a city in despair. A day after making snow angels, seven children unknown to each other in seven different neighborhoods discover that the wings have sprouted Valued Customer Cards.

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