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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Punch Drunk

Powdered Alcohol: Gold Dust

Posted By on Tue, Apr 29, 2014 at 4:16 PM

As early as the neolithic era, people have been finding ways to produce and drink alcohol. It's easy. You let something ferment — and you can use almost anything with a semblance of sugar for the process, with varying degrees of success and quality. Then science stuff happens and boom, you're enjoying a warm cup of vomit-brown pruno with your cellmate.

Stone age living — like prison living — probably sucked, thus the grunting, club-carrying masses found a way to get their drink on. That's Darwinism, sort of.

Over time, of course, the process of alcoholic beverage production has been refined, which is how we enjoy the sublime flavors of our Hardywood Singels, Barboursville Octagons and Belle Isle Moonshines. Although I still find it convenient to keep a bag of pruno in my toilet tank to serve any recently paroled friends and family members. That's just good manners.

Most of us can agree that drinking alcohol is the tits. Sippin' booze makes life more tolerable. But progress stops for no man, and ingenuity — or in most cases, sheer stupidity — has led people to find new ways of introducing booze into their bloodstream.

Who can forget two years ago, the curious case of Tennessee frat boy Alex Broughton? The young man found momentary notoriety as the public face of butt chugging, which is exactly what it sounds like. There's a tube, it enters the bloodstream quickly through the thin mucus membranes down there and, well, you get the picture.

More recently, people have been caught snorting vodka, which again, thinner mucus membranes in the nose equals a quicker drunk. Vaporizing alcohol seemed to be a thing for a second. Same basic concept. And I've even heard of people eye balling booze. Which, again, is what it sounds like. And yeah, it's absolutely insane.

There's also something called "sublingual absorption," which simply involves letting hard liquor sit in your mouth and not swallowing. Mucus membranes again. One imagines that would burn like a sonofabitch, too. Come to think of it, all of these would feel like millions of hot, flesh-searing needles. There's tamponing alcohol too. No explanation needed. And there are alcohol injections, or "mainlining" it, which is just bat-shit bananas.

You might think we've reached the end of our alcohol-intake-method checklist, if not for the sake of humanity then for the children. But apparently, no.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Palcohol.

Powdered alcohol.

Marketed as the answer to people on the go, people who like to hike, kayak, enjoy the world and at the end of the day, enjoy a cocktail. Unfortunately, these people have been unable to do that because what active-lifestyle gentleman or gentlelady wants to be burdened with carrying heavy bottles of booze while they traverse the globe? Not I.

Now all you need is a packet of powder. Add some water and you're in business. No water? Not a problem. Add the powder to food. From Palcohol.com:

When you add Palcohol to food, you're not really adding flavor to the dish, just alcohol. We've been experimenting with it like adding Powderita powder to guacamole, Cosmopolitan powder on a salad, V in a vodka sauce, etc. It gives the food a kick.

I guess I don't have to worry about breakfast or lunch sobering me up anymore, and that's a victory.

Although they discourage it, there are other ways to ingest the powder too. You can probably figure them out.

Many people are excited because if this gets all of the necessary governmental approvals, conceivably you could sneak this stuff anywhere for a cheap booze source. Tired of paying nine bucks for a beer at a ballgame? Palcohol is the answer.

Long lines to get beer at the Bacon Festival? Palcohol.

A 10 a.m. board meeting that discourages open alcohol consumption? Palcohol.

Your child's intolerably long and boring school play? Palcohol.

Your boss at the airline locking you in the cockpit to keep you away from the mini-bottles? Yeah: Palcohol.

"Let's get this bird off the ground, whaddya say?"

People are worried that kids easily could get their hands on powdered booze and sneak it into school or whatever, and I agree, it could be a problem. So go ahead and unstick your ass, educate them the best you can and let them make decisions. I admit, I would've tried to bring Palcohol to high school had it existed in the late '90s. But in my experience, a majority of kids aren't dense little hellions like I was.

Now back to the methanol marching powder.

This is a really stupid product.

But we're all sheep. So let's go make this jackass a millionaire.

Lauterback is co-host of "Mornings with Melissa and Jack" on 103.7 Play weekdays from 6-9. bartender@styleweekly.com.

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