Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Punch Drunk

Jack's Top 100 Life Lessons

Posted By on Tue, May 28, 2013 at 4:00 AM

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This marks the 100th column I've written for Style Weekly. Through more than 100 pages of futility and three-plus years, I'd like to think that I've grown, matured (ha) and dropped some valuable insights. But I also realize that in many ways, I've regressed and generally become more of a heel than I already was, and that's OK. With that in mind, I give you a list of 100 lessons or immutable laws that I've learned on my short time here on Earth. Give this list to your children when puberty hits. Thank me later.

100. Always get the paternity test.

99. Men don't drink white wine.

98. When in doubt, underpunctuate.

97. It's OK to cry sometimes. Like at the end of "Rudy" and "Hoosiers."

96. You will almost always regret going to a late-night club.

95. Same goes for strip clubs.

94. And Taco Bell.

93. And Myrtle Beach.

92. Booze, drugs and social media do not a smart mix make.

91. "Russia is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma." — Churchill

90. Always ignore an ill-timed queef. It's none of your concern.

89. There's nothing better than day drinking.

88. Except for sex. Maybe.

87. If a friend is more like a cancer, end the relationship immediately.

86. Same goes for girlfriends, unless the sex is super dirty. Then just deal with it.

85. Asking people to help you move is a dick move. Free pizza and beer do not make it better.

84. You can tell how desirable or creepy you are by where in the restaurant a Hooter's hostess seats you. Just watch.

83. Don't ever date a stripper.

82. If you're going to hit the gym, shut up and go ham. No one wants to talk to you. They're just being nice.

81. I'm not sure if our parent's and grandparent's dream of one day owning a house is still a prudent goal to strive for.

80. Just dance and be goofy. Effort trumps actual capability.

79. If you have one shred of doubt regarding your ability to pull off a fedora, do not wear a fedora.

78. You have to be insane to open a restaurant.

77. Lose the cologne.

76. Take crap from the occasional person, but not too much. Be selective about it.

75. Just go talk to her. Be a man.

74. No luck? Call her a skank and walk away. Lose with dignity.

73. Never save a drug dealer's number. Make your friend do it.

72. One or two hours of sleep are better than none.

71. "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
W.C. Fields

70. Read more Christopher Hitchens. Develop a skeptical eye.

69. Learn how to shake someone's goddamn hand properly.

68. Say "sir" and "ma'am," even if dripping with sarcasm. That's just good business.

67. Everyone hates a tattletale. Don't be that guy.

66. Don't go all-Mexican hairless. Also don't allow it to just grow freely. Keep a little drag. Find your sweet spot.

65. Stop playing video games (cough-cough Dane Acton cough).

64. A hole in your boxers? Throw 'em away. They're done. Take a deep breath. You're gonna be OK.

63. If you're unsure how to act, try to channel Bogart.

62. They say handwritten thank-you notes are still the way to go. An email should suffice though.

61. Treat a girl like dirt and she'll stick to you like mud. I heard that somewhere.

60. Never mix grain and grappa. I'm kidding. Mix whatever alcohol you want to mix. You're paying for the fucking drink, right?

59. Know when you've had enough. Don't force other people to tell you.

58. "I don't care how liberated this world becomes — a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume — and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."
— Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist

57. Drinking well liquor denotes poor form. Spend an extra $2. Trade up.

56. Be nice and treat your barman or waitress with respect. I don't care how shitty they are.

55. "Seinfeld" cognizance and appreciation is a solid barometer of intelligence.

54. Atlantic City is the worst place on Earth. That being said, I highly recommend the Trump Taj.

53. Try dating a black girl and an Asian girl and an Eastern European girl and … You get the point.

52. Always overtip and befriend the hotel concierge and valet.

51. Showing up on time is the entire battle. How are you still late for things?

50. Is the baby crowning? No? Then drive like a responsible adult, Vin. It's Midlothian Turnpike, not the autobahn.

49. Never tolerate racism. Ageism is acceptable though.

48. Make it a habit to wash your hands, a lot. People should know this.

47. Make funny faces when you come across a little child or a baby. No exceptions.

46. If you want an assault rifle, go get one. If you want to abort a baby, that's your choice. Form a matrimonial bond in the eyes of God by putting a ring on your partner's privates? Do whatever the hell you want. Just do us all a favor and leave it off Facebook.

45. Go to more museums. Richmond is loaded with 'em. Good ones. Look it up, you ape.

44. Always be willing to walk away and never see or talk to them again.

43. "Crisco, Bardol, Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball."
Eddie Harris

42. Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes a little creativity is needed.

41. Don't let elitist, high-minded, NPR-advice-taking, music-snob pricks tell you what to listen to. If you like Daughtry, then listen to Daughtry.

40-31. Refer to the 'The Ten Crack Commandments," Biggie Smalls.

30. This might ruffle some feathers, but men don't own cats. My apologies to Jake Crocker.

29. Regardless of your views, always treat veterans with respect. Reverence, even.

28. Wait till after the sixth date or consummation (whichever comes first) to take her out for Mexican.

27. Cheapness is the most unattractive characteristic one can possess. There isn't even a close second.

26. There's something wrong with a man who doesn't read on the toilet. Eye him with deep suspicion.

25. Mom's right. Even when she's gone senile and is completely wrong — she's right.

24. You don't have to like him as a person, his blustery, succinct style or even his storytelling abilities, but every man should be able to quote Hemingway.

23. "Man is not made for defeat."

22. Never spend any amount of time without health insurance.

21. Be extremely careful with the word love.

20. You learn a lot about yourself when you move in with a girlfriend, and it isn't all good.

19. Anyone who says they hate cops is a moron and should be avoided. Learn how society works, dipshit.

18. Naps are important. So is alone time. Don't sacrifice these things without a fight.

17. Get a library card and use it.

16. Fist fights are juvenile, embarrassing and should be avoided, but there's only so much you can do. Sometimes you run out of options and you must pacify an antagonizer with force. In related news, I wish they still had dueling.

15. Don't go cheap when it comes to haircuts.

14. Own golf clubs and learn how to swing them, even if you despise it. It's unbelievable how much this can help you.

13. Spend a few hours on the water, a dock, a beach — at least a few times a year.

12. Our grandfathers were real men.

11. "Nuts!" — Brig. Gen. Anthony McAuliffe's reply when outnumbered, surrounded, on the brink of defeat and being asked to surrender during the Battle of the Bulge in 1944.

10. Stop apologizing for everything.

9. Experimenting with (some) drugs isn't as bad as we've been raised to believe.

8. Wait a few days to call her. I can't stress this enough.

7. The hangovers get worse. So much worse.

6. "Rocky II" over "Rocky IV," hands down. Also, it's "Apocalypse Now," "Platoon," "Full Metal Jacket" — in that order.

5. Porn and masturbation are two of heaven's little gifts. Enjoy them to the utmost.

4. Keep an extra toothbrush in your glove box. Keep some condoms in there too.

3. Support and genuinely root for your true friends while feigning interest in the rest. You know who belongs in the first group.

2. Ask permission later.

1. I still have a lot to learn.

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Connect with Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback at bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also is co-host of 103.7-FM's "River Mornings with Melissa and Jack," weekdays from 6-9 a.m. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.

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