Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Punch Drunk

2013 Prospectus: Sweeping and fearless predictions for the new year!

Posted by on Tue, Dec 18, 2012 at 4:00 AM

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1. Rammed from the right: Ken Cuccinelli dominates political water-cooler talk while Virginia remains one of the most relevant states in the nation when it comes to party politics. Ken also tears apart an already tender Virginia GOP like piss through one-ply toilet paper with a platform that sends most moderates running for the hills. Women, gays, minorities and the sane all watch with gigantic, shit-eating grins.

2. Laid up: With promises of a new arena and a rabid fan base, Virginia Beach gets its men and convinces the gaming and beer-distributorship kingpins Joe and Gavin Maloof to bring their ailing Sacramento Kings to the Commonwealth. Comedy ensues as the arena gets tied up in bureaucratic red tape and the so-called supportive fan base turns out to be less than willing to follow the bastard team while they play in tiny college arenas all across the state for the first year. A 9-73 record only compounds the issue.

3. Sinking stars: Lincoln withdrawal hits and we're left prostituting our children on street corners for "one more hit" after Richmond's brush with fame leaves us star-struck and in need of more. The state begins to offer larger and larger tax credits to filmmakers in an effort to get another fix. Teachers and police officers must take pay cuts in order to free up capital and entice Hollywood to return. Crime and illiteracy rates skyrocket. Sets used for filming are left strewn about the city, eventually becoming crack and prostitution hot spots. A baby is born without a mother. On the bright side, "Woodrow Wilson: a Treaty of the Heart" does surprisingly well at the box office.

4. Dwight's comeback: After the 2012 elections Mayor Dwight Jones wakes up from four years of City Council gridlock — and a little grab ass — to an increasingly pro-Dwight crowd down at City Hall. His mandate that all council meetings be cognac- and scotch-drenched affairs on the patio at Havana '59 receives little scrutiny. For the first time in recorded history, city government becomes an effective, finely oiled agent of change. Shortly thereafter, Denzel is cast as a hardened preacher man turned city savior in the critically acclaimed, "How Dwight Got His Groove Back."

5. Beard apocalypse: Facial hair is out. The clean shave is in. The Clean Shave Commission, a group of strong-jawed, slick operators — always wearing suits in contrast to their sloppily attired adversaries — take back the streets. Women everywhere rejoice. A nation finally regains the ability to differentiate hippies and vagrants from regular people.

6. Pigskin fantasies: With many fans pinching themselves as the Redskins' newfound winning ways continue behind the arm and legs of Robert Griffin III, some begin to wonder if it's too good to be true? They think, can this really be happening to us? Their worst fears are soon realized as Dan Snyder trades RGIII after a bad start for a third-round pick and 53-year-old Ray Lewis. Snyder then proclaims: "Kirk Cousins is and always has been the future of this franchise." Another 20-year period of self-loathing begins in the DMV and the status quo is restored.

7. Millennials go cyber: The decline of print journalism continues. Style Weekly is forced to replace my biweekly check with a $10 McDonald's Arch Card and a free subscription to a daily "quote of the day" eblast. Strangely enough, Boomer Magazine is the only periodical to show any signs of growth in 2013. Analysts are saying that it has something to do with their readership and the ever-increasing struggle they face with Internet browsing, or more specifically, how to actually find and open an Internet browser.

8. As the tables turn: Richmond's obsession with food culture begins to wane. People start to approach the act of eating merely as a logical way to sustain life. People start to go outdoors again. Obesity rates drop. Libraries flourish as the population realizes there are other things to discuss in this world. We enter a period of sustained creativity and economic growth. What was once thought impossible becomes. … Oh, never mind. Instead, the menu list for 2013 Restaurant Week becomes required reading in area public schools. Times-Dispatch food critic Dana Craig is named Virginia's new poet laureate. Patina Grill super-chef John Maher wins the Nobel Prize in physics for his groundbreaking work in the pot-pie field, and a movie, to be shot in Richmond, based on the life of Richmond.com's Karri Peifer begins filming. Working title: "It's Not About the Menu: the Karri Peifer Story."

Suffice it to say, the Mayans were right — we're royally screwed.

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Have a question for Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback? Email bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also serves as co-host of 103.7-FM's "River Mornings with Melissa and Jack," weekdays from 6-9 a.m. On Twitter @jackgoesforth.

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