Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Punch Drunk

Updates for the law-abiding barfly.

Posted By on Tue, Jul 10, 2012 at 4:00 AM

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As of July 1, some new laws are in effect here in the lovely commonwealth of Virginia. I've taken it upon myself to educate you, the irresponsible drinker and debonair gentleman or gentlelady, on what the loony-bin state government has been up to this year. As always, my opinions are completely biased, totally unfair and very left of center.

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Cracking down on DUIs. First-time offenders convicted of driving under the influence must, as a condition of a restricted license, drive vehicles equipped with ignition interlock devices. That previously was required only if blood alcohol content registered at a certain level, or upon conviction of a second or subsequent offense.

Getting one DUI isn't good, but is generally forgivable and not a detriment to one's social standing or livelihood. Two convictions, though, and you're a pariah, a complete dumbass, an unhireable scoundrel who might as well drop dead. So by making the interlock system mandatory, hopefully Virginia will see a huge drop in second offenses. Although I wouldn't drop out of your fantasy football drunken-driving pool just yet. The problem drinker is a crafty one and will always find a way to go the opposite direction on a one-way street or pull an illegal U-turn maneuver in the face of an oncoming checkpoint.

You can't keep a good drunk free of incarceration for long. I learned that a long time ago.

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Sunday Funday. Most stores in the grip of the state's Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control now will be able to sell alcohol on Sundays. The law extends to more than 200 ABC stores that are blocked under current law because they're in small communities.

This is what's called proactive governing. Getting things done. Listening to the people.

Pray tell me, who hasn't planned a Sunday cookout only to forget the most important social lubricant of them all?

Who, I ask, hasn't awakened from a vicious weekend bender at 2 p.m. on a Sunday with the cold sweats and shaky hands, jonesing for the sweet relief that can be provided only by a pint of Evan Williams concealed in a paper bag?

Who simply likes to drink the hard stuff on Sundays?

The answer is you and me, my friend. You and me.

It's difficult to believe, but every so often the government is actually on your side.

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More guns. Virginians now may purchase more than one handgun a month. This new law repeals a 1993 restriction on handgun purchases in the state.

Sometimes I find myself looking at my arsenal and thinking: "Is this enough? Do I own enough handguns?"

Then I'm walking around in public in my everyday G.I. Joe outfit — gun on ankle, both hips, back, thigh, in ass crack ... and I find myself thinking: "Have they made a gun that I can strap on my junk yet? If this trip to Martin's turns into a bloodbath, will I have enough firepower to survive?"

These are the questions that keep me up at night, and now that this gun restriction nonsense has been repealed and my ability to purchase a gun for every single family member and all of the neighborhood children has been restored, my mind has been set at ease.

I sleep like a baby because of this repeal — a baby who will have its own handgun once it develops motor skills and a strong enough trigger finger.

So, if and when terrorist organization C.O.B.R.A. decides to unveil its nefarious plan for world domination, we'll be ready, and our multiple guns will be blazing.

Especially if the terrorists decide to take our pants off. \

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More rules for women. Before receiving an abortion, women will be forced to undergo an ultrasound. As someone who's waited in the depressing little lobby of an abortion clinic and dealt with situations where an abortion was the logical choice, I do have biased opinions on this matter, but my editors at Style Weekly will give me only so much leeway. Plus, I really don't feel like getting shot by a multiple-gun-toting pro-lifer this week. Maybe next week.

What are you guys doing Sunday?

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Have a question for Richmond bartender Jack Lauterback? Email bartender@styleweekly.com. Lauterback also serves as co-host of 103.7-FM's "River Mornings with Melissa and Jack," weekdays from 6-9 a.m. On Twitter @Jackgoesforth.

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